Hey 2k16!

"GIVE ME THE OSCAR NOW!" (SPOILERS AHOY BTW)

Life has a way of uprooting ones ability to use the internet at times. My social life has been blossoming somewhat terrifyingly due to school and everything else has been put on the shelf for greater things, like actually creating things that I'm somewhat proud of, like a music video that's going to be Twin Peaks' inspired besides Coffee and Cigarettes. I can already hear someone coughing 'hipster' in the distance, though I think nerd is the more fitting term, then again, hipster geek is probably a thing.

Let me get to the whole 'oh my god' Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens bit where I start chewing on furniture because I'm so pumped for the rest of this trilogy or endless route of films that Disney will be churning out hopefully to the end of my days (though I'll probably be cranky pants about that at some point 'oh dem raggedy youths with Star Wars VIIIIIIII - I don't know how to do Roman numbers okay?!).

Because holy balls, the day before my birthday post-exam rush was amazing at best! I'd had some hope, and then I was struck with the return of awesomeness basically. The film does have its flaws, certainly, but there's something at the core (maybe its being like a total throwback to 'a new hope' *cough*) that was very Star Wars. I enjoyed it immensely, giggling, crying and just flailing hopelessly about like some headless chicken.

Still am.

Then New Year came along with Quentin Tarantino's The Hateful Eight, which was a homage to The Thing. You all remember me loving that. I did enjoy The Hateful Eight and its wicked amount of good dialogue, lovely scenery and cool setting. Tarantino does something new, yet something he knows best, so he delivered of course. I need to see it again, to really know what I feel, which is kind of strange I know, but I tend to feel that way about his films. Except Reservoir Dogs.

Then there was The Revenant.

Which was like watching Leonardo Dicaprio crawling his way towards an Oscar, because if he doesn't get one, then how HOOOOOW will he ever receive one? Will they give it to him when he plays practically a cameo in some half-assed film just to fuck with him? He might as well chuck the award on the faces of other attendees. I will be aghast with horror if he doesn't receive it, especially when it's so well-deserved. Also I've got to talk about them filming in natural light, because nobody's like, umm, mentioned that at all?

I can't believe nobody's talking about the natural light.

It's like so weird. Jokes aside. The film is STUNNING. Capital stunning. You're just sat there going 'I hope Tom Hardy gets it oh fuck yeah pretty fucking trees right there', and when you then Wikipedia the fact that the real life man attacked by the bear dude is just like - goes on with his life and has a cup of tea - you want to kick a rock. Yeah, doesn't that fact just feel great? Since we're on the subject of historical accuracy, I'm going to mention Guldkysten which I saw today on a school outing.

The school outing that was originally 'hey you're going on the set of The Snowman and hanging out with Michael Fassbender but due to fucking winter and the brits not dealing with it, the set is closed so you shits are seeing some film instead fuck you'.

So. The Film.

This Danish botanist travels to Africa to set up a coffee plantation keeps daydreaming about his fiancé back in Denmark. Uno numero problemo is the fact that he didn't have a fiancé back home. He sent letters to his brother and family. He wasn't fixated on the few happy moments he had with this chick, so you don't need to see that constantly on the screen with him fiddling with her engagement ring which wasn't a thing until 1920 btw. No, he got married to a black woman and had three children with her when he was in Africa.

Talk about erasure.

You see, I'd like to see that, especially since the film is about his naivety about not understanding why other Danish folk on said place seem to have a problem with Black people who he deems as 'mute, stupid' etc at the beginning. Okay, so the film kinda annoyed me. It's mostly because it's evidently fictional most of what's going on, ruining what could have been a much more interesting film because they wanted to be deep and philosophical. I thought it was pretty though, and it certainly wasn't a dud considering the wad of a mess Spectre was.

Oh Mr Bond.

How low doth hath fallen from thou perch.

Because hells bells.

We all knew Christoph Waltz was Blofeld, but him being James' step-brother who killed his adoptive father is like 'woaaaah' guys, being enigmatic is the whole point. We've had enough of the background story. We don't need to dig any deeper, especially when it's this shallow as well. You might as well have said 'i'm your evil twin brother'. Also the plot is convoluted, the female characters are given really nothing to work on, and you've like got Monica Bellucci.

MONICA BELLUCCI. 

She's 51, but she still gives me a lady boner.

It's like come on! 

She's on screen like five minutes tops, and can Daniel Craig finally look like shagging isn't just a chore please? He always looks like he's just been asked to do the dishes, except of course when the supposed new love of his life walks in with like little to no real development. You can't do a Vesper 2.0, and certainly not like this guys. This is just poor, poor, writing.

The sort that just made me cringe and made me look upon Jurassic World with more fondness than previously.

She says I love you when they've basically not spent any time together, and he's strapped to a chair about to have his memory wiped from him because that's normal, but he still remembers her? It would have been amazing if they'd just gone with that and the film made a 360 in every way. God, at least that would have been somewhat redeeming. It's just very cheesy ala Roger Moore. And I never enjoyed those films, except when I was an ignorant six-year-old assuming his sexist quips were just good ol' comedy. Huge difference right there. Anyway, happy new year!